Spanx me baby

Whoever said that Spanx were comfortable are big, fat liars. Actually, it's more likely they are tiny, skinny liars because, baby, if you have an ounce of chunk on you, these are not cozy okay? I fell for the Hollywood trend awhile back when starlets like Eva Longoria started raving about how they never leave the house without their Spanx, aka God's little secret for women. So I rushed to Nordstrom's, slapped down a quick forty and left with a big grin thinking to myself that no longer will I have any weird lumps, bumps or rolls on this hot body. No people, from this point on I will be smooth as vanilla soy in my pencil skirts.

My excitement was short lived when that next Friday night I decided to give my new wonder undies a try. It took me a good 10 minutes to jump, twist, crouch and tug my way into the torture device (and yes I had the right size, I am not so vain I buy 'too small for me' undergarments). I pulled on my pencil skirt and slightly fitted shirt excited to see how I am now going to appear "a whole dress size smaller." While I admit my tummy was now just one tight, round pooch, I appeared to have grown a massive tire around my thighs and one whole extra set of boobs - on my back. Need I go into the fact there is also a pee hole for all your urinating pleasure? But mind you, when you try to bend over and adjust accordingly to use it, the top of your Spanx will only roll down and piss you off. Despite all this, I decided to give them a whirl on the town. I spent the next 4 hours trying to stay upright and not allow anyone to touch me for fear they would find out I was wrapped up like a sausage under my skirt. Then I had the pleasure of pealing them off me at 3am and having to shower due to the sweaty, red lined mess they made me. Yeah, um, I think I may just try a good old-fashioned corset.